As a person, I’m the type that I usually question everything that happens to me. I usually want to know why, how it happened and what will happen to me if I do this or do that. That’s why it’s very hard for me to trust. Very hard for me to wait and hold on.
Now that I’m experiencing hardships and disappointments, I want to give up. But I’ve come this far. There’s no turning back.
Every time I hear a Christian song, I remember the days when I’ve been so faithful to God and every step I do, every decision I make, every work I finish, I trust God. Now, I admit, I rarely attend services because of my work schedule. But even though I am not attending church services, I have this burden to go back to where I used to be — that is, go back to God’s loving arms and just do what pleases Him.
But then, its not that easy. And it makes me think so hard. Makes me wish things. Makes me question life’s circumstances.
Yes. I admit, I’m at my lowest point of my life right now. I’m very honest (as what my mom always say about me especially when it comes to job interviews – but oh well, that’s a different story). I keep a diary and I write on it every now and then. When I’m happy, when I feel afraid, when I’m down, when I’m excited, and mostly, when I have so many questions about my life, about my situation and about myself, I write on my diary. I always address my diary to Tatay (Jesus) because since childhood, I’ve never experienced a life being comforted by a father. I didn’t have a father figure. My father lived with us — physically he’s there, but emotionally, he’s not — so when I had this close relationship with Him, I considered Him as my Tatay: my father and my best friend.
As my father, Jesus never failed to teach me a lesson. He loves me and every time I get “pasaway”, he’s teaching me lessons I will never forget. As my best friend, He never fails to tell me the truth: my flaws, my strengths, my weaknesses and my growth in our relationship together. He always encourage me through His word that’s why I’ve become completely honest to Him when it comes to my feelings, my disappointments, and my happy moments. Now, I’ve shared my feelings not because I want the world to know how disappointed about life I may be but because I want to expose God’s nature as I experience his love — a best friend who will accept us no matter who we are, what we’ve been in the past nor how we’re doing in the present. He wants complete honesty from us because He would understand. He wants us to trust Him because He knows better than us. He loves us more than anyone else.
It’s really hard for me to trust Him– now that I’ve been disappointed with the person I’ve been close to. But every time I feel alone, every time I feel I’m going to cry, every time I feel burdened by the world’s requirements, I look back to Jesus and imagine His bare body exposed in scorching sunlight, laid out in the open with arms wide and nails barred on his hands, straining out blood and sweat. I could imagine his sacrifice compared to what I experience with life’s problems, his eyes looking directly at me, telling me, “I’m doing this because I love you, no matter who you are and what you’ve done.”
That’s when I won’t give up. That’s when I continue on running. That’s when I keep on fighting. There’s so many temptations. So many disappointments. So many times I keep on falling down. But then, He gives me so many chances of standing up. So many chances of accepting His love. So many trials to conquer. And He wants me to see the bright side of life. He wants me to see His unconditional love.
Hay. Even if I try to argue with Him or question Him, I can’t win. He’s so smart, so wise, so practical. Yup. Practical in a way I could easily use the lessons I’ve learned in my everyday life. I could easily apply it in my relationships, work ethics and principles. He’s so understanding and merciful that I cannot resist going back to Him. I guess I just missed Him so much. All this time I’ve been away from Him, all this time I divert my attention to any other things I’m interested in, He’s just there to stay with me. He’s just there to love me.
Hay. Jesus is one of a kind. I’ve got so many hard questions, He’s got so many simple answers. I guess I just missed Him too badly. I guess I need to go back to where I used to be (in His loving arms). I guess I need to go back and find my spiritual family. I guess some sayings are indeed true: “First Love Never Dies.”
****By the way, I just listened to Indios’ One Life (The Rough Mix) through their multiply site and their song inspired me to write this blog. Through writing I want to live for Him. Well, still, my love for writing never dies***